FUCKING RETARD LISTEN UP NOW

Dear Snow,

I have news for you. I am learning more about you every day. And today, I learned that I have a threshold. I cannot be talked to like that. I cannot be told how my relationship with myself should be. You say that I do not treat myself good enough. And then you make me feel ashamed for a very long time about how I treat myself. Catch-22. "You need to treat yourself better. The way you treat yourself is wrong," Wow, that makes me feel so good about myself! Those words, they makes me feel so self-loving! Well, you know what? I love myself very much. And I don't need to hear one more word about petting my fucking kitty. Because I am not the same arrogant piss I was four years ago. But I have self confidence. I have a lot of it. I have enough self-confidence to scream "I HATE MYSELF" because i am not ashamed of that feeling. We all hate ourselves at certain times. And instead of pointing the blame at other people, I had to point the blame somewhere. ANd you could not let it go. You had to dissect it for an hour. You could have done that on your own time. But no, it was something philanthropic you were doing for me. Never mind the fact that it made me feel needy, clingy, sad, and empty. That's the way you like 'em. If they are strong? Oh! They might hurt you.

I learned that you kept thinking you were being manipulated because you were manipulating me, emotionally.

What did I need? A reassurance. That's all. Five minutes, hey, it's okay, you made a mistake, it's okay.
But no.

The yarn you spun? I've spent years talking that way to my friends. And they were my therapists. And they fixed me out, they straightened me out. But you can't talk to me that way when I am upset AND think you are actually doing a good deed. Maybe you felt better afterwards. But I felt like SHIT. I felt worse than I did on that walk with the dog when I was crying my eyes out.

You have an ability to lie at any time.

You have an ability to manipulate when you want.

And you put down my friends.

My friends are good enough for me- I dont think your friends are good enough for you though from the way you talk about them.


I dont have a problem with my relationship with myself. I LOVE MYSELF. Therefore, I will not put up with speeches like the one you gave me today.

You Play DIRTY. I don't. I fight fair. You don't know how to fight at all unless it is dirty. And you need control. You even need to control how I treat my parents despite the fact that I know them a little better than you. I should never have doubted myself at all while talking to you.
And why should I be with somebody who doubts me? Maybe you learned more from your wife than you realize. All those things you despise about her- there must be a reason you despise them so much. And usually those reasons are because the things you most hate about somebody else are things you do yourself in some way. Like the way I HATE when you are late. I am late and let people down. So I hate it extra hard when you do it because it is a fault I am working on.

Your only role in this relationship is to try and love me. Why don't you listen to what I say I need instead of what you think I need?

I wish I could send this to you. But I don't think you are strong enough to handle this.

I want so much to be close to you. I love you so, so very much. But I don't believe you can listen to these words. I have lost that faith in you- the faith that i can tell you what is unacceptable. Fuck, I can't even mention other guys because you freak out. You know what you kept saying what normal people do-" normal people do this." Well Evan, as my dad said, "WHY DOESNT HE DATE A NORMAL GIRL THEN?" Because I am not normal. I was raised to play piano 6 hours a day. I WAS NOT NORMAL. I WILL NEVER BE NORMAL. "Normal people" do not try to get masters. "Normal people" do not write entire books that almost get published. "Normal people do not give 3 hour senior recitals at Cornish that make people cry. "Normal people" do not learn chess in two years at an expert level. Normal is people who sit around all day, watch tv, read "8 books in a lifetime" and fart. So if you really want your normal, find it. But don't ever lower me to that level again.

And don't lie to me about Isabelle. if she was really just some stranger in Chille, it would not mean so much to you that you have to keep her on as your friend. Whatever you are not telling me- whatever you are not practicing with her anymore- it is sad that you have to do that to fill your self esteem.


I couldn't say these things when you were talking to me. I was too busy getting bruised inside.